Want to try BDSM. Does it have to be scary, creepy, brutal and disgusting?

The Shades of Grey trilogy launched sadomasochism and BDSM into the limelight through its success in box offices around the world. Whilst considered tame by true BDSM aficionados it certainly awoke secret, hidden desires in many people as well as the increasing the sales of sex toys around the world!

Following seeing the film or reading one of the books, many couples started to be able to openly discuss previously taboo subjects, reveal their fantasies and even start to play. Online porn also plays a big role in providing suggestions, scenarios and in stimulating play in the bedroom. In these intimate, private moments many couples will find themselves thinking, dreaming, and talking about doing much more. The secret thrill of perusing your fantasies/kinks may lead to thoughts of wanting to try more in BDSM. But does it have to be scary, brutal, and disgusting?

The answer is definitely not! The majority of BDSM fans are very normal people leading regular lives who love to have the opportunity of meeting like-minded people at a BDSM event to indulge in their fetishes and kinks. Yes, there are some people to look out for and to be wary of, but a majority are respectful and deferential of your wishes. 

Many wish to portray BDSM as events in dingy, dirty dungeons, with walls covered with scary torture instruments as in Medieval times! Yes, we do call the places Dungeons and yes, there is some window dressing, but generally, these establishments are clean, well run, and safe.

Whilst playing in the privacy of your own home, try to work out what you would both like to experience when you move forward. The first step is to research BDSM groups in your local area, and it is generally essential to first attend a Munch. These are ‘vanilla’ meetings that are generally held in a public place. Don’t be surprised to meet people that you may know or local personalities, many people have their kinks and don’t want to advertise this. Amongst friends, they feel safe knowing that they can rely on discretion. Some groups will insist that you attend 2-3 Munches before you proceed, as people will meet you and know if you are trustworthy and should be accepted. After a certain time, you will get your invitation to the first play party!

This is most exciting as firstly you have been accepted and secondly rather than just watching porn or dreaming in your fantasies you are actually going to attend a real live play party(and maybe play).

There are many online resources for information on BDSM terminology, learn a bit but don’t expect to understand it all. Your kinks and fetishes will slowly evolve and if asked, just answer that you are experimenting or evolving, most will respect this.

Dress is/can be important at some clubs. Hardcore BDSM followers know who they are and what they want, they, therefore, dress accordingly. Generally, for the men, it’s a black t-shirt and black shorts whilst your lady can dress extravagantly and/or very sexily if she wishes. Buying or ordering the right sexy clothing for her will be your first, intimate step together.

Some dungeons are run as a business and others as private interests. You maybe asked to pay an entrance or make a donation, do this willingly as the upkeep can be high. The first time may be a bit nerve-racking as you ring the bell outside. Take a deep breath and cross the threshold. One of the great thrills of entering a club or dungeon is the people that you will meet and the eclectic mix of kinks on display. Six-foot-tall cross-dressers with beards, rubber & latex costumes, quiet Doms and eccentric Mistresses, human pets, and much, much more!

At your first party don’t expect much, just watch, mingle, and absorb what is going on around you. Generally, no one expects you to get involved but also do keep your distance and provide to the experienced members plenty of space to indulge in their kinks(whilst also providing entertainment for you). Remember that these are a group of possibly quite eccentric people who have their fantasies and wish to play them out in the company of others whilst not disturbing, causing harm, or embarrassment to the general public.

Generally, a Dungeon has several rooms and people will congregate for their specific kinks. Maybe bondage in one, humiliation in another, flogging, punishment, and more! Look and learn what you and your partner would like to try, maybe experiment a little if you feel ready but no one will push you. Be prepared for a lot of nakedness obviously, and remember that some of the bodies that you will see are not as finely toned as the ones you see in porn. Sometimes a performance will gain a lot of attention, again, just watch, look and learn.

Whilst many dungeons do like to go a bit overboard on their decorations, most of the paraphernalia is just for decoration only, for atmosphere! Some more upmarket groups or clubs may have submissive hosts and hostesses that can be mildly abused and maybe for a performance later in the event. Some will even provide a show of extreme bondage, humiliation, pain, and orgasm denial but in the majority, the performers are the members themselves.

Don’t be frightened to talk to people, if they want, they will talk to you, if they don’t just respect that. If you get a bit caught up in the proceedings, and feel brave enough to allow yourself to be bound or flogged(or more), just go with the flow. Always explain that you are new, and this is always taken into account.

Many pre-conceived perceptions are of dingy places, dirty perverted people, and closer to torture than adult enjoyment. You will find that many toys are available with others bringing their own(especially the Mistresses that specialize in caning). Some toys, and themes, are old-fashioned but the community is consistently looking for new, soft implements that are not for torture but do create enjoyable discomfort or pain. These will include nipple clamps, pussy spreaders, anal insertions(mostly with decorative tails), cock and ball devices plus a lot more. Don’t stare, don’t be shocked! If you have to say anything to complement the wearer on his/her accessory, they will be proud and happy to tell you where they bought it!

Each BDSM play party is different, but you will never be told what you must do. Whilst most enjoy the thrill of being watched as they receive their punishment or enjoy their fetish, never stare and never, never touch unless invited to.

Some encourage alcohol, some don’t. Generally, there are very strict rules on any drugs. Despite the depravations taking place for several hours the evenings often end with a mass cuddle with everyone on the floor quietly chatting and getting prepared to return to vanilla life.

If 50 Shades has piqued your interest, don’t delay and embrace the lifestyle. It is fun, it is consensual, and it is for like-minded adults like you.

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